Ready to go.....

People are always surprised to find out I'm not on a heart transplant list. I don't want a transplant.....for a few reasons. Please understand that these are my reasons, everyone has to come to this decision on their own.....no judgements allowed. My little sister had a heart transplant and I was extremely grateful she did, because that gave her an extra 5 years with us. But it's not for me.

First of all, I just really don't believe the organ donation system is always an honest one. It may have started off that way, but more and more often I hear of people who are “brain dead”, waking up. I don't want to live my life thinking the person whose heart I have, may have awakened at some point.

Another reason is because my body just doesn't handle medication very well. I am on quite a few meds now and most of them are baby doses. Having a transplant means even more meds....so I'd be trading one chronic condition for another. I'd be better in one sense, perhaps, but there are no guarantees.

I was diagnosed with heart failure....specifically a dilated cardiomyopathy with Class III-IV CHF....5 years ago this month. No one was more surprised than me and let me tell you, I was quite surprised. My ejection fraction at that time was 12%. I was told it should be about 65%. One doctor told me my heart function was not conducive to life. Not long after that another doctor told me that at some point, the rest of my body would stop compensating for my heart.

With meds the ejection fraction (EJ) went up to 30% and capped out, so they put in a defibrillator. I thank God too because about a year later I went into a-fib and my heart beat went over 200 bmp and that thing fired. Shocked! Literally! Wasn't as bad as I'd expected, I at least stayed upright, but I really don't look forward to the next time.

Mayo Clinic checked me out and while there my husband asked how long my heart would last. The doctor said it could be 5 years, could be 10 years. Or it could be 1 year.....could have done without that one....but we had already passed that mark. Now we are at year 5.

Not without some issues of course....they found a blood clot in my heart a few years ago and 2 1/2 years ago my EJ had dropped to 25–30% and then 10 months later it had dropped again to about 20–25%. It has been about 20 months since my last echo, but I don't foresee having another one. Aside from the monitoring of my defibrillator, there are no more appointments with the specialists. I simply see my own doctor for whatever comes up. All those doctor appointments are nerve-racking.

I look perfectly healthy to those around me, even if I am a little rounder than I should be. No one has any idea I am terminal unless I tell them. Heck, even my friends forget. I used to be able to forget, but it's getting more and more obvious to me that I am slowing down tremendously.

What's my point?

I'm okay with this. I have been since the beginning. Quite honestly, the only thing that upset me about this whole diagnosis was the bedside manner of the doctor and how flippant his attitude was about my diagnosis and prognosis. It was honestly like the man was telling me I had a boil and needed it lanced....what's the big deal?

I want my family and friends to accept this too. I will be around until our heavenly Father calls me home. I am ready when He is. I have a beautiful relationship with our Lord. I will be eternally grateful for the beautiful graces He has bestowed upon me during the years, especially the last 5 years.

Aside from my beautiful faith and those wonderful things that go along with it, humor and laughter have helped me through. I love to laugh and to make others laugh.

My life has been quite a ride and even though I wasn't always smart enough to keep the seat belt on or my hands inside the car at all times, I've made it through, mostly unscathed.

There are no bags to pack, no jet plane to catch....just me, ready to go.....just as soon as I use up the last oomph my heart has. I want every last ounce of love squeezed out of my heart so when I get to heaven, I can tell God I gave it my all! :o)